Phone Tag
by green see-through ghosts
Summary: Because, after all, some things are so annoying that you just have to laugh at them. AU, Hidan/Temari, crack.


Inspired by a phone-call from a wrong-number fellow in Arizona who told me it was 110 degrees down there and asked what I was up to before ordering me to get good grades…LOVE the RANDOMNESS! I began this approximately three minutes later and finished it five minutes ago. Spur of the moment, indeed.

Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, Hidan, and Tobi all belong to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Phone Tag**

by **green see-through ghosts**

WARNING: Hidan's bad mouth and slightly OOC Kankuro.

* * *

_Ring_…

"Gaara, can you get it?"

_Ring_…

"He's asleep."

_Ring_…

"Kankuro?"

_Ring…_

"Get it yourself, Temari."

_RING!_

"Good grief," Temari muttered under her breath before pushing her chair away from her desk and standing up with a low sigh. She crossed the floor of the office and shoved the door open, leaving her music playing because she suspected that she'd be back in a moment. (No-one ever called to actually talk to her.) As angry, disagreeable thoughts ran through her head, she jogged down the hall to the kitchen, where both cordless phones sat on the counter. (Don't ask her _why _everyone was to lazy to replace the one phone in the office.) The call was most likely her father, phoning to explain why he'd been so late for the third time that week. (And it was only Wednesday.) That fact alone was possibly why both Kankuro and Gaara ignored the endless ringing. (Although, Gaara usually ignored it anyways, especially if he really was sleeping.) His excuses were both plausible and endless, but that was no excuse for him missing every moment of his children's lives. (Right?)

Temari caught the phone on the last ring, pressed TALK, and lifted the sleek black and silver piece to her ear.

"Hello?" A moment after speaking, she realized that she'd answered with the same tone of annoyance that she'd been using to voice her inward complaints.

Ah, big deal. It was about time her father knew about her frustration, wasn't it?

She realized her mistake only moments after the person on the other end of the line began to speak in an obnoxious, annoyed, _young _voice.

"Where the hell is Tobi?" Startled, Temari was silent for a moment as she wracked her mind for any knowledge of a person named Tobi, or any memory of the unknown voice.

"Um…I think you have the wrong number," she said slowly -- nervously. Wrong numbers always made her nervous. What if it wasn't a wrong number, but simply a friend of Kankuro's that she didn't know? (If she offended one of Kankuro's few local friends, her brother's forgiveness would be hard to come by.) "There's no one by that name-"

"Like hell there isn't! Listen, just let me talk to the fucker, okay?"

Temari frowned.

"No one named Tobi lives here," she stated coldly, deciding that if it was a friend of her brother's, she'd put that to an end soon enough. "You have the wrong number." And with that, she pulled the phone away from her ear and hung up.

Stupid kids. As if she didn't have enough trouble on her hands with college finals coming up and a house to keep in order. Still glaring, she set the phone down on the counter and turned away, ready to head back to uninterrupted study.

Before she was half-way down the hall, the phone rang again.

With a fledging suspicion blooming in the back of her mind, Temari turned around, strode back into the kitchen, and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Listen, bitch, just let me talk to Tobi." Immediately offended, Temari took a deep breath before replying.

"I told you, you have the wrong number!" she snapped.

"No I fucking don't. Who the hell are you anyways?"

"I believe that's _my _line," Temari replied, attempting to morph her tone into something more threatening and serious. "Stop calling this number, okay?"

"Fuck, don't hang-"

"…"

Temari stared at the now-silent phone for a long moment before crossing the kitchen and entering the living room, where Kankuro sat on the couch with his laptop.

"Kankuro, do you know anybody named Tobi?" she asked mildly, leaning over the back of the couch to look down at him.

"No. Why?" he asked, glancing up over his shoulder before turning back to his chat-box.

"This random guy keeps calling for him," Temari replied with a shrug.

"Huh. Random."

_Ring! _

"You want to me to answer?" Kankuro asked, but it was too late.

"Hello?" Temari answered brusquely in anticipation of the strange caller.

"Good God! Just let me talk to Tobi!" he pleaded, voice slightly scratchy from long-distance static, but still complete with a desperate, albeit annoyed, tone.

"I already told you, you've got the _wrong _number," Temari growled out.

"He's asking for a Tobi?" Kankuro said thoughtfully. "Hmm. Let me do a search."

"Listen, the dipshit said I could find him at this number," the impatient man continued as Kankuro opened an impossibly long list of MSN contacts and began looking for the name _Tobi_.

"What number?" Temari asked.

"_This _number, you imbecile! God, what are you, mentally retarded?" The man sighed, and the sound was so loud that Temari had to jerk the phone back from her ear.

"No!" she snapped.

"What was that, retard?"

"I said NO, I am not mentally retarded!" Temari repeated. "And where do you get off calling _me _slow? I've told you five times already, you have the wrong number!"

"…Actually," the man said after a silent moment, "you told me four times."

"…You were keeping count?"

"No, not really. It's just, I've called three times, and you've told me once each time, except for the first."

"...The point should still get through," Temari stated coldly.

"Look," the man sighed. "I really need to get a hold of Tobi-"

"Well, you won't find him here," Temari interrupted rudely.

"And I'm not finding him here," Kankuro added as he scrolled through his contacts list.

"I swear-"

"I noticed."

"-that this is the damn number he gave me."

"Just tell me the exact numbers, okay?" Temari said with a sigh. Attracted by the commotion, Gaara entered the room a moment later, looking wide awake but for his tousled scarlet hair. He stared at Temari blankly, but she knew that hidden underneath his impassive features was a burning curiosity.

"…Be quiet," the redhead intoned after a short moment.

Okay, maybe not so curious.

Temari rolled her eyes at him and turned her attention back to the phone.

"548-9932," the man said slowly, enunciating each number precisely.

"Well, Tobi got the number wrong," she said after a moment. "That's my number, but there is no Tobi here."

"Prove it!"

"Listen, give me your name and number, and if Tobi calls here, I'll have him call you," Temari sighed. "That's the best I can do. And I swear, you'll regret it if you keep calling."

"Ooo, am I supposed to be scared or something?" the man laughed, as if it never occurred to him to take her seriously.

"Listen, bud, it's your best bet-"

"Fine. Got a pen and paper?"

"Yes," Temari said, reaching over Kankuro's shoulder to pull a sheet of paper out of his school notebook. He handed her a pen as the man continued. "The name's Hidan, and the number's 011-354-8469210."

"That's different," Temari muttered as she penned the last digits before underlining the words sharply.

"I'm in fucking Iceland. Why do you think I need to get a hold of Tobi so bad? Retard…" He sounded ticked-off, and for a moment, Temari thought that his story might actually be one worth hearing...if she didn't have loads of studying to do, that is.

"How am I supposed to know you're in Iceland?" she retorted without really meaning to.

"Caller ID?"

"Am I supposed to recognize every type of phone number in the world?" she asked dryly, unwilling to let on that she hadn't even bothered checking the caller ID before answering.

"Not every kind, dumb-ass. Just the Icelandic kind."

"Cause that is common knowledge," she laughed.

"Whatever. Where are _you_?" Hidan asked; it sounded more like out of boredom than actual curiosity.

"Why would I give out that sort of information?" Temari snorted.

"Hey, you have my name, number, and location," Hidan snapped. "That's enough to hire a hit-man. I seriously demand the same info."

"I-"

A sharp beep indicating a second call split her words in two, and Temari winced at the uncomfortably loud noise. "Can you hold on a second?" Without further permission, she switched to the incoming call, taking a deep breath before answering. "Hello?"

"Tobi is sorry to call so late, but he thinks he gave someone this number on accident!" The male voice was almost childish in its apprehension, and for a moment, Temari was confused by the use of the third person. "Tobi's phone number is only one number different than this one, and he thinks he messed up!"

She stared down at the paper in her hand.

"Hidan, right?"

"Yes!" Tobi gushed breathlessly. "How did you know?"

"Hold on," Temari ordered as she hit the SWITCH CALL button.

"Is that-" Kankuro asked.

"Tobi, yeah," Temari said with a shrug and a roll of her eyes. Kankuro shrugged back and discontinued his search while Gaara crossed the room to where the main phone base hung on the wall. Without asking permission, he jabbed his index finger down on the Speaker Phone button.

Suddenly, they were being broadcasted live.

"Hidan?"

Temari winced. Hearing her voice come from two places like that was disconcerting; she motioned for Gaara to turn it off. The boy paid her no attention.

"That is fucking annoying when someone cuts you off like that," he drawled. Kankuro choked on his breath and leaned forward, covering his mouth with one hand as he tried desperately to keep from laughing out loud. Whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't that. Gaara, on the other hand, simply blinked.

"Sorry," Temari said unapologetically as she punched Kankuro in the shoulder with a frown. "Your buddy Tobi is on the other line."

"Fucking serious?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"God, the dumb-ass," Hidan muttered. Kankuro choked again, his face morphing into a purple-red color that Joseph would have been unable to name.

"Do you want me to give him your number?"

"Yes, please."

Without preamble, Temari switched back to the second line.

"Tobi?"

"Yes? Tobi is still here!" Temari frowned slightly, but decided that if this guy was the mentally retarded one, both she and Hidan could be cleared of all suspicion.

"Your friend's number-"

"Hidan?"

"Yes," Temari sighed as Kankuro finally let out a chuckle. "Hidan's number is 011-354-8469210."

"…could you say it again? More slowly, please, because Tobi doesn't listen well."

Temari resisted the urge to say something derogatory as she repeated the digits, pausing carefully between each set of three.

"Got it?"

"Yes, Tobi has it!"

"Okay," Temari declared. "Good luck calling him." Still leaning against the couch, Temari switched the phone to her other ear as she switched lines in time to miss the click of Tobi hanging up.

"Hidan?"

"What?"

"Tobi now has your number, so you don't need to call this one again."

"Hey, thanks, seriously-"

"Whatever-"

"-although you could have been a little more fucking gracious about it."

Kankuro set his computer on the couch beside him to keep from crushing it as he doubled over with laughter, shoving his face in an embroidered pillow to muffle the sound.

Gaara, the little brick wall, remained stoic.

"I-" Temari had to stop as she found herself wanting to yell. _Deep breaths. He's sleep-deprive, or something; jet-lag_. "You're kidding me, right? Some weirdo calls my house at almost midnight asking for someone I've never heard of before in crude terms and you expect me to be _gracious_?"

"Uh…yeah?" The sarcasm in his voice was almost thick enough to overcast the static. "And I'm not a weirdo, thank-you very-fucking-much."

"You're not a weirdo," Temari repeated.

"Damn right."

"I have a hard time-"

Once again, her words were cut off by a harsh beep in her ear.

"Listen, I have another call. Good luck with whatever you're doing."

"Yeah, thanks for the help, kiddo."

"Who are you calling kid-"

But Hidan had already hung up, and so Temari switched lines, more than a little disgruntled.

"Hello?"

"Tobi can't get through to Hidan!"

There seemed to be no end to Kankuro's mirth. At this, he nearly rolled off the couch, but was saved at the last minute by his laptop power cord, which had wrapped around his waist in a loving embrace when he'd set the computer to the side.

Still, after a short second, (the cord's embrace being insufficient to harness Kankuro's humor,) both boy and laptop crashed to the floor, which only served to increase Kankuro's out-of-breath, lung-ripping laughter.

"What was that noise Tobi heard?" the unwelcome caller asked innocently.

"Nothing," Temari said sharply, turning towards Gaara and motioning for him to turn the speaker phone off. Per the usual, he ignored her. "Listen, you couldn't get a hold of Hidan because he was still talking to me. He just hung up."

"Are you sure? Maybe Tobi wrote the number wrong? He has the numbers 0-1-1-3-5-4-8-4-6-9-2-1..."

"Zero," Temari finished.

"_What? _Tobi has zero of the numbers right?"

"No," Temari snapped. "Zero is the last digit!"

"…What is a digit?" Temari closed her eyes tightly before taking a deep, calming breath.

"Number!" she clarified. "Zero is the last _number_."

"There is no last number?" he asked, confused.

"NO!" Temari exclaimed. "Zero, the word, the number, IS the last number."

"…Oh!" the oblivious Tobi exclaimed happily. "So the number is 0-1-1-3-5-4-8-4-6-9-2-1-_zero_?"

"Yes," Temari said with a curt nod. "That's the correct number."

"Tobi is grateful to you!"

"No problem," Temari lied. "Just…don't call again, okay?"

"But what if Tobi _still _can't get through to Hidan?"

"Listen, I'm not the operator," Temari stated. "Call him if you have any more trouble."

"…What is this operator's number?"

"…Zero. You just dial zero."

"Really? Tobi is surprised it is so simple."

"Yes," Temari said slowly, observing from a distance as Kankuro rolled about on the beige carpet, chortling. "Well, don't let it get to your head."

"Tobi doesn't know what that means, but he won't let it happen!"

"Alright. Goodbye."

"Goodbye! I mean, good_night_! Wait, GOOD-MORNING!"

And as Tobi struggled for the proper ending and Gaara turned off the speaker-phone and Kankuro exploded in uncontainable laughter, Temari hung up the phone.

"Weirdoes," she promptly declared without specifying which duo of males she was labeling. She turned towards the kitchen, phone in hand as she began her way back across the tiled floor and into the office, back to her school-work and soothing music. God, she had so much studying to get done-

_Ring! _

She hadn't made it past the counter when the phone rang again. Kankuro, who had just recently regained his footing, collapsed onto the couch as laughter-induced weakness invaded his muscles; Gaara reappeared from his bedroom and approached the speaker-phone, index-finger held at the ready.

Temari lifted the phone in front of her face and stared at it for a moment.

"This one will be Dad," she bet out-loud as she pressed the TALK button and lifted the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

"The dipshit isn't calling."

Gaara must have seen her expression change before she could turn around; he stabbed downwards with his finger, and once again, their conversation filled the room.

"You only gave him two minutes!"

"Tobi is prompt, kiddo! He should have called right away." Hidan didn't sound ticked off anymore; rather, he sounded minutely annoyed and much more passive.

"Well," Temari said coolly, "FYI, he just called here a second ago and had the number wrong. I corrected him, so he should be trying to call you any time now."

"Why didn't you say so in the fucking first place?"

"I did, you idiot!"

"Whatever." Without another word, Hidan hung up.

"Good grief," Temari muttered angrily as she disconnected.

"My personal opinion is that he's fallen in love-at-first-sound with you," Kankuro stated before he dissolved in giggles.

"Hey, this isn't funny-"

_Ring!_

"Good grief!" Temari snapped for the umpteenth time that evening. "Hello?"

"Tobi is still not getting through!"

Kankuro was hopeless. We'll leave him alone now. Gaara simply listened, eyes glistening, and threw a kick at Kankuro if the latter rolled too close.

"Tobi, you have to give it time!" Temari ground out. "Hidan was just calling me because you weren't getting through!"

"Tobi dialed all the numbers right, then dialed zero!" Tobi said mournfully. "And it beeped at him! And then he tried the operator, and it beeped at him again! He doesn't know what he's doing _wrong_!"

"_Nothing_, just-…wait, did you dial the _number _zero or the _word _zero?"

"…Tobi doesn't understand."

Temari ground her teeth together hard, then, clenching one hand into a fist, continued.

"Did you just press the number zero? Or did you dial out all the letters?"

"Tobi dialed the letters, since she said that it was the _word _zero…did Tobi do it wrong?"

"Yes," Temari hissed. "Tobi did it wrong."

"Oh."

"Just the number…okay? Just the number zero at the end of all the other numbers. Okay?"

"O…kay. Tobi thinks he understands now."

"Alright," Temari said with some difficulty. "Good luck. Don't call again."

"Tobi thanks you!"

Temari hung up.

Gaara turned of the speaker-phone.

Kankuro caught his breath and stood up.

And, like some sick, demented farce, the phone rang.

"Hello." She didn't even bother adding the question mark. It wasn't worth wasting the extra expression.

"The dumb-ass is still not calling."

"…You. Are. An idiot!" Temari stated. "If you just get off the phone, he'll get through soon enough. I mean, seriously, it's like you two are playing tag using me as base!"

"…Sort of."

"…"

"I don't really feel like talking to him anymore anyways."

"Then why do you keep calling?" Temari complained.

"…it's not that difficult, kiddo."

"Listen, the name's Temari, and I'm twenty-two. _Not _a kid."

"…it's still not that difficult, Temari."

The blonde-haired girl stopped just short of a retort, staring blankly at the wall as the long-distance static crackled between them.

"Iceland is boring," Hidan continued. "And I haven't talked to anyone but that idiot for three weeks. I mean, he get's fucking annoying within thirty seconds, but after three weeks, I'm about ready to kill the dumb-ass. I don't know what the hell my boss was thinking when he made the asshat my only outside contact, but-"

"Hidan."

"What, kiddo?"

"Are you saying that you kept calling because you wanted to talk?"

"…Maybe."

"…Why didn't you just say so?" Temari sighed as a manic smile twitched on her lips. "It's an easily solved problem."

"Hmmm? It is?"

"Here. Talk to Kankuro."

"What? Who the hell is Kankuro?" But Temari, a vicious smile on her face, was no longer listening. In fact, she was nearly half-way across the room, and the phone was dropped in Kankuro's lap, causing Hidan's question to come out muffled against the teen's leg.

"What! Temari, no! Take the phone back!" Kankuro exclaimed as he lifted the phone up, holding it between two fingers as if it was something contaminated. He had no luck with his demand, though; Temari was long gone.

Door: locked.

Headphones: in ears.

Volume: up.

Phone: not here.

Upon completing her mental checklist, Temari collapsed into her cushy desk chair, allowing her muscles to loosen and, slowly, relax. Her own laptop had long since fallen asleep; she stared at the pastel-bubbles screensaver for a long moment before letting a smile cross her face.

Because, after all, some things are so annoying that you just _have _to laugh at them.

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Reviews would be great :)


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